Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
