Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
