I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
