Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
