Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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