why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
