You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
