your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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