overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
