My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
