Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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