is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
