dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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