so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
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