I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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