So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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