how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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