WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
