i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
