My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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