worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
