I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
