I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
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Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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