Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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