This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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