come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
