my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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