im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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