My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
