The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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