its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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