hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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