I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
