She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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