did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
