The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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