Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
