you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
