i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
