You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
