but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When did we convert life to cartoon?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
