Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
