I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
ttyl tear gas
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
