I showed him my bush... on skype.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
