Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
