Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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