There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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