Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
