I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
