Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
