i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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