How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
